We Resume Reading Homestuck with John staring dramatically out the window at IMPS…. John pauses staring out the window and REPAIRS his Hammerkind Specibus, then resumes staring as IMPS PLAY ON THE RIDE.


>Calum: Proceed to waste several minutes on these shenanigans.

I proceed to waste several minutes on this game until Rose drops a Piano on the imps.
BOoo! I demanda refunnnndddd

EB: rose my piano!!!
EB: :C
TT: Sorry.
TT: No nuance to these controls at all.
TT: I was hoping to bludgeon the imp without letting go of it. Guess I can’t really do that.
TT: A broken piano isn’t the end of the world though.
EB: i guess you’re right.
TT: You’ll need to pick up the spoils in person. I can’t interact with the grist.

What a weird abstraction for the game to make. It lets PONIES pick up grist for a player and yet the SERVER PLAYER can’t interact with Grist?? What the heck?

The piano in its valiant effort has unfortunately been slain.

But if it hadn’t, it would have raked in so many BOONDOLLARS, you have no idea.



TT: Nanna said to build, so that’s what I’m doing.
EB: oh yeah. ok.
TT: But this sure is going to take a lot of grist.
TT: Looks like you’re going to be busy, John.
EB: blargh!
EB: well, what are you building?
TT: Stairs.
TT: They are fairly expensive actually.
EB: oh man…
EB: i could have warned you about stairs, rose!


Rose Drops an IMP into the CLOUDS.

Gee, Rose, what a waste of grist! Sure, you recooped some, but maybe you should have gotten the imp to john first??

What, is John just going to find a random bit of grist lying on the ground at the bottom of his hero tower spire thing?

TT: I’ll try recouping some of the grist from the catwalk I built earlier.
TT: Ah, good. Looks like I can get a refund for earlier allocations.
EB: i told you rose
EB: i TOLD you about stairs!
TT: Ok.
TT: Consider me fully briefed on the matter of stairs.
TT: Now if you don’t mind, it’s hard enough to concentrate on this without immersing ourselves in Strider’s non sequitur.
EB: did you know he thinks puppets are cool?
TT: Does he?
EB: he’s so dumb!!

And here we have our first SBAHJ MEME.


>John: Check cabinets for imps or useful items.

No Imps, just shaving cream.

WHY. Why did John’s dad buy SO MUCH SHAVIng CREAM??!?

This is one of the most disconcerting mysteries of homestuck that will never end up being explained. WHY John’s dad bought so much shaving cream.

Your TELESCOPE goes flying out the window.

Welp,there goes that piece of astronomical utility.

The TOWEL floats back down to the rack.

The circle of stupidity is complete.


BTW, how does the POGO RIDE fit in john’s sylladex but the HARELQUIN DOLL wouldn’t? They seem rather similar in size, to me.

Meanwhile, Nannasprite destroys an IMP Via Eye Laser.

It looks like the imps have taken a shining to the CRUXTRUDER.

Cruxite and black goo. Everywhere.

What rascals!

>John: Ride Slimer pogo and one-up that imp.

This seems incredibly dangerous!

This is incredibly dangerous!

No. Comment.

So what happens here? I’ve never really paid too much attention to this page before, but… For the first time I just realized that the imp on the dowel John lands and then trips over isn’t actually CRUSHED… he instead just STEPS OFF.
The Imp Steps off and John ROLLS OVER ONTO THE FLOOR.


HAHAHA WHY DOES THIS EVEN WORK??? XD Imps are such goofs. If they weren’t such a constant pest, they’d be the lovable sidekicks and I’d feel bad for killing them.

…Holy shit I just realized that this page is a Flash and not a Gif. I always just skipped right on to the next page after the NICE ABSCOND appeared. How did I never notice this was a flash before??


>Rose: Drop something heavy on one of those imps.

Now this page is interesting. Rose goes to pull something inside to the outside. This time, we don’t SEE the zoom out, however, instead we see Rose dragging the safe upwards, then, presumably through a wall (It’s intangible while being held by the cursor!) and then PULLS IT UP TO THE ROOF in an arc/curve. How does Rose know her aim is lining up right here?  I’m assuming her view of things is subtly different from what we, the readers, are seeing. She still would have to ZOOM OUT. And then the mouse drags the safe from down below without interruption? But if Rose had to move the mouse to zoom out then why doesnt the mouse come from the top of the screen instead of the bottom???

Ugh. Metaphysics of Sburb Game Mechanics make my stomach hurt.

Somewhere in here, we get a bunch of shity JPG screenshots Rose took of the SBURB screen. When did she get the time to make these? When did she get the time to even make the FAQ to begin with??

Meanwhile, WV makes John act like a fool.

I once again question the presence of the EXILES. What is the point of all of this?? (This image is pretty funny though.)

While John regains control of his mental faculties, let’s check in on Dave!

TG: ok wait hold on why am i getting this stupid game for you
TG: youre the one who should be wrist deep in puppet ass
TT: What is the specific problem?
TG: the problem is i am up to my goddamn neck in fucking puppet dong
TT: You know you like the mannequin dick. Accept it.
TG: i am enrobed in chafing, wriggling god fucking damned puppet pelvis
TG: an obscenely long, coarse kermit cock is being dragged across my anguished face
TT: Let’s put this into perspective. You put up with the puppet prostate because you love it.
TT: Also, coarse is a good word.

THIS. LOG. I once read the original log that this one was supposedly/apparently lifted/inspired from/by. Hussie was Dave, I think.

Or was he Rose? Doesn’t matter. Either way this log is hilarious.

TG: you dont seem to harbor any sympathy for the fact that ive burrowed fuck deep into lively, fluffy muppet buttock
TG: im whirling in the terrible cyclone at the epicenter of my own personal holocaust of twitching foam noses
TG: its like a fucking apocalypse of perky proboscis here
TG: like
TG: the proboscalypse i guess
TT: Are you going to start rapping about this?
TG: what no
TG: no listen
TT: Prong of flesh bereft of home
TT: Found solace ‘twixt a cleft of foam.
TG: no oh jesus
TT: Of apocalypse your thoughts eclipse
TT: A painted pair of parted lips
TT: That dare through kiss to stir the air
TT: That teases tufts of orange hair.
TT: And though faces flush in lovers’ fits,
TT: Hands snug in plush as gloves befit.
TG: ok dickinson if you can shut your perfumey trap for a half second
TG: this is serious


TG: i am just saying
TG: if i see one more soft bulbous bottom being like
TG: kind of jutting out and impudent or whatever
TG: im gonna fly off the handle
TG: im gonna do some sort of acrobatic fucking PIROUETTE off the handle and win like a medal or some shit
TT: Then let’s hope there will be a squishy derriere somewhere below the handle to break your fall.

Those are some CHOICE WORDS, Dave. Choice Words, indeed.

John then figures out the whole CAPTCHALOGUE CODE system, and burns his sylladex down to three cards. Incidentally, this frees up the PDA—

— turntechGodhead [TG] changed his mood to RANCOROUS —

TT: John, I’m about to throw a bath tub through your wall.
TT: Watch out.

—Yknow, Dave and Karkat really do seem similar if you swap their quirks. This is news to NOBODY.

John examines the contents of the safe which have the STANDARD METEORIC FORESHADOWING we’ve come to expect from this adventure.

TT: Wait, John, before you punch that.
TT: Oh.
TT: I was about to say.
TT: If you first took note of the code, then removed the card from the card, you could have punched the blank one.
TT: You would have only burned one card instead of two.
EB: oh yeah, you’re right.
EB: dammit!

And then it became TWO.

Atleast John’s given himself the means to make more cards.

The two card sylladex: inventory of dumbasses.

I feel as if Hussie let this happen just to make this comment.

I do believe I’ll end today’s reread section on this command:

>Safe: Level up for slaying the imp.


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