LET’S REREAD HOMESTUCK P6Posted: April 22, 2016
Some comments from the thread:
I’m really enjoying this and I don’t want you to stop, but I had to ask here: are you saying Rose and John are related? Because the Strilonde’s and the Harleyberts are two separate, unrelated families.
Maybe it has to do with Hiveswap stuff?
*If* in Hiveswap it turns out that Grandpa!Jake DID indeed adopt Mom!Roxy, this makes Rose and John cousins. If it turns out he was just mentoring her? Well, then it doesn’t really change anything as Homestuck stands and just makes for a cute theory/lens to look at things with.
Now, then… Back to the reread…
>Dave: Check the latest page of the Midnight Crew.
You figure as long as you’re chilling at your computer you might as well see how that new MSPA story is going. You haven’t looked at it in a while.
“You are members of a sinister gang called the Midnight Crew. Your nefarious plots are serpentine in complexity. Your schemes, convoluted. You are planning a heist in your underground hideout.
What will you do?”
And ‘ere we are, introduced to Spades Slick of the Midnight Crew.
“You push against the MANHOLE COVER, but it seems some unbelievable jackass has parked your GETAWAY VAN on top of it.
A familiar feeling stirs. That feeling is overwhelming, soul-blackening rage.
It’s the sort of rage that’ll make a man feel totally justified in sporting an unnecessarily elaborate assortment of fancy blades.”
Spades is a simple man. He likes knives, and isn’t afraid to use them.
You don’t remember where you last left off, so you jump way ahead. You always forget to save your place in the story.
><;; Saving your game is IMPORTANT, Dave!!
You never know when you’ll need to backtrack and do something over!
Even though the adventure began recently, it’s already over 3000 pages long. You just don’t have time for this bullshit. You’ll catch up later.
…Dave, please, don’t say things like that.
TT: In some cultures the persistent refusal of a lady’s invitation to play a game with her would be a sign wanton disrespect.
TT: Either that, or flagrant homosexuality.
TG: what oh no
TG: no look
TG: im busy ok
TG: ive got a lot of shit on my plate
TG: i am sort of a big deal ok?
TT: I know.
Rose, you’ve nailed it in one, I think.
They then proceed to talk about being famous for a bit, then talk about SBURB.
TT: I cannot hasten his mail’s delivery, however.
TG: yeah yeah
TG: ill hassle him some more about it
TG: and look how about this
TG: if you ever find yourself in the position where your life depends on me playing that piece of shit game, then ill play
TG: will that make you happy
TT: More than you know.
TT: It perfectly mollifies my grief over the demise of chivalry.
Ah… Dave. You know you’re going to actually have to follow through on this now, right??
Meanwhile, with John, oil. Oil everywhere.
But back with DAVE: You’ve had enough of the computer for a while. You feel like you’ve been messing around on it all week. It’s time to get your jam on.
You pull up to your trusty AKAI MPC-1000 SAMPLER and prepare to get sicknasty.
Try pressing the four corners, if you’re not aware of it. It gives you some extra sound options. …that seem to be broken? I know one of them was Ghostbusters’ theme.
>Dave: Take sip of the apple juice, despite what John said.
Predictably, Dave stalls out because John got to him and captcha’s the orange juice sans lid. This will not come back to bite him in any way what so ever.
He immediately captcha’s his sword and…
The NINJA SWORD (2+1+2+2+1 + 2+2+1+2+2 = 17 % 10 = 7) occupies the same card as the JUICE (2+1+1+2+1 = 7 % 10 = 7), expelling the JUICE from your SYLLADEX.
It splashes all over your TURNTABLES and your copies of the BETA.
Dave goes to get a towel… and we see just how puppet obsessed B1 Dirk is…
Seriously, a puppet in the shower??
You take the DAMP TOWEL (2+1+2+2 + 2+1+2+1+2 = 15 % 10 = 5), expelling the BOX (2+1+2 = 5 % 10 = 5).
…Dave is no more used to his sylladex than John is. He dries off the juice and then hangs the Betas to dry… WHY? Why are the SBURB Betas in PAPER ENVELOPES??? And furthermore, Dave, shouldn’t you take the disks out of the packaging so the packaging can dry or…
In the breeze of the FAN, the betas jostle near the OPEN WINDOW.
This arrangement is a little disconcerting. If they fell out, it sure would be a stupid way to lose them.
>Dave: Turn off the fan.
The crisis is easily averted. You can’t imagine it will ever resurface later in any way, shape, or form. That beta is as good as yours, forever.
Don’t tempt fate, please, Dave…
You should probably go pester Egbert again. You wonder if he found the beta yet. You also might chat about your respective SYLLADICES and FETCH MODI, if the topic happens to come up. You wonder if he is anywhere near as smooth with his sylladex as you are. Probably not. It’s probably not even humanly possi…
*POKEMON BATTLE THEME*
Suddenly a RAMBUNCTIOUS CROW flies in the open window and snatches the beta, possibly to make a nest with, or maybe just for the sake of being a brainless feathery asshole.
You yell at the bird.
You accidentally launch your NINJA SWORD. Everything goes flying out the window, dead bird and all.
Well, Mr. PETA Agent, the sword just jumped out of my Sylladex like a frightened weasel!! I-I dunno what happened.
No one can ever know about this.
Too late, Dave. Too Little Too L8.
>Dave: Look out window
Yeah, you can kiss all that stuff goodbye. You feel sorry for the bird, but at least you never planned on ever using that beta, ever.
We cut back to Rose in her house confronting a giant wizard statue.
You prepare to descend the stairs to your living room. You are standing eye-to-eye with a familiar foe, a 20-foot tall granite statue of the mighty wizard, ZAZZERPAN THE LEARNED. Your mother had him installed through a hole in the roof with a heavy-duty crane.
Just look at that mystical gaze. To peer into those aloof, glassen eyes is to arrest the curiosity of any mortal. To behold the wisdom concealed in the furrows of that venerable face is to know the ceaseless joys of bewonderment itself. Any man so fortunate as to catch askance his merry twinkle or twitch of whisker shall surely have all his dreams fulfilled.
Oh Roxy. X33
>Rose: Psychoanalyze mother’s love of wizards.
There is nothing to psychoanalyze. Your mother clearly has no real affinity for these damnable things. She only collects them to spite you.
If anything, she finds them even more repellent than you do. She’s just a committed woman.
ROSEEEE NOOO. NO NO NOOO. She LOVES the things!
You descend to the living room area of your home’s expansive open layout. There is the sound of rushing water beneath the floor. It tends to strike guests as a strange presence in a living space, but it’s become hardly audible to you through familiarity.
I’d imagine it would be a peculiar sound…. but I guess Rose has had visitors… either that or they’re her mother’s friends/co-workers.
>Rose: View Mother’s solid copper vacuum statue.
Ok, but it’s bronze, not copper!
…I can’t help but associate “Bronzing” something with the TV show Warehouse 13.
But it wasn’t always. A while ago you gave this as an ironic gift to your MOM for mother’s day. You even customized it with a drink holder to support one of her ubiquitous ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES.
She “liked” the gift so much, she had it bronzed and put on this pedestal. She even left it plugged in so it can still be turned on now and then. But never to do any cleaning. It never leaves this display.
…..Roxy, uh… what. Why? I still don’t why B1 Roxy would do this… I hope Hiveswap will allude somewhat to why B1 Roxy is interested in Bronzing things.
Sometimes at night when you are in your room, you can hear it wailing from downstairs. She MUST know you can hear it. She’s completely deranged.
>Rose: Grab the Eldritch Princess.
What is it with kids and giant puppets?
>Rose: Investigate richly colored object in middle of screen.
…Whichever reader suggested this- this suggestion is awesome!
This was a drawing you did of your cat JASPERS when you were younger, along with a poem about him. Your mother bought this ostentatious $15,000 frame for it, and had it welded to the door.
…Roxyyy… Yknow, I’m beginning to think that being raised by Jake Harley is… not that great of a thing??
Using the colorful MAGNET LETTERS, you recently left a succinct message, which may or may not have been directed toward anyone in particular. But you couldn’t find the letter W, so you just stuck two V’s together.
Your mother then purchased a fresh pack of W’s and left them there for your convenience.
Appreciative of the thoughtful gesture, you left her a sincere THANK YOU NOTE, which you had legally notarized, and then marked with a drop of blood.
But part of it was touching the floor, so your mother was kind enough to lift the lower portion of the document with a VELVET PILLOW.
Rose takes a W by reader volition.
But that unsightly void in the W pack won’t do, nor will the gash in the plastic.
You deposit 12 CENTS in its place, which is your approximation of the letter’s value. You also make a vow to return later and neatly sew the plastic shut.
You now wonder how to address the pillow situation. It seems the woman has you at a clear disadvantage.
Perhaps slipping a fresh doily under the pillow will do the trick? Or maybe spilling a bit of WORCESTERSHIRE SAUCE on it, and then having it dry-cleaned and returned along with a laboriously ingratiating apology note? No, there’s no time for anything like that. Or maybe (just thinking out loud here) you could use the entire pack of W’s as M’s? Oh yes, that would burn.
But you’ve already done something with that W pack, and there’s no need to go back and gild that lily. This is delicate business. And that pillow is screaming for rebuttal.
You decide to take the VELVET PILLOW and lovingly embroider a poem in praise of MOTHERHOOD on it. Hopefully you can pull this off before she notices it’s gone.
>Rose: Head out the back door.
A Wild MOTHER appears! Voidy shenanigans from Mom!Roxy AHOY!
You don’t know how she does that. You’re never safe in this house.
And of all things to be doing during a power outage. She’s up to her IRONIC HOUSEWIFE routine again. That mop bucket doesn’t even have any water in it! What an absolute madwoman.
…From what little we’ve seen of Hiveswap, we know Roxy was a teen while Joey and Jude were babies, and likely babysat them a lot… I have no idea what the implications of this are..
Rose performs a youth roll over the counter into a table. Rose, first of all- WTF. Normal adult waist high counters are freaking huge for a 13y.o. kid! That you did this and managed to crash into a TABLE on the other side??? Rose… that’s got to HURT. I can only imagine…
Not to mention the Wizards.
Urgh, I’m going to end here for now. This post has gone on for long enough, and I already had to deal with SBAHJ’s insanity today soo… yeah, that’s enough for tonight.