>ACT 2 ==>

We open Act 2 with Rose’s GameFAQ guide and a Windy page of John’s house transitioning to the Medium.

The KERNEL divides. The two halves go their separate ways, leaving behind the SPRITE portion.

The 7 Gates appear, and- BOY. – the Sprite transforms.

What is left of the SPRITE undergoes a mysterious transformation.

For a moment you thought you heard someone say “BOY”, as if whispered in the periphery of your awareness.

It was probably just your imagination though.

Next is a {S}ound page that’s the walkaround but I’m not going to cover anything from that. WV is directing John to do things, one of which is to talk with Rose.

TT: John?
TT: Are you there?
— tentacleTherapist is now an idle chum! --
EB: hey, yeah i'm here!
EB: and not dead i think.
TT: I know.
TT: I've been watching you scramble through the house like a lunatic.
TT: You should have answered me sooner.
EB: oh man, sorry, i was looking around for my dad and i can't find him anywhere!
EB: have you seen him?
TT: No. I'm sure he'll turn up.
TT: We have more important things to address right now.
EB: yeah, like where am i??
TT: I don't know that either. But I've determined your neighborhood was destroyed by the meteor. Wherever you were transported, it saved you from the impact.
TT: I've been reading reports in the news. Over the last few days, there have been many smaller meteor collisions with people's homes around the world.
TT: And they seem to be getting bigger. Yours was the biggest they've identified so far.
EB: wow, ok.
EB: so then i guess if this is all the game's doing, then the point is for us to save the world?

NOPE. Think a bit bigger than that, John.

TT: We should retrieve your PDA. Yet again.
TT: It will help to keep tabs on each other while you investigate.
TT: I think I can get you closer to it, if I can replenish our grist supply somewhat.
TT: There may be a way to recycle some that we already used.
EB: ok.
TT: I’ll meet you out on the balcony.

Uh huuh. Interesting…

EB: wait, rose! one thing…
TT: What?
EB: you never even wished me a happy birthday!
EB: um… hello?
TT: I was working on something to send you, but I was running late with it.
TT: I didn’t want you to think I believed meager well wishes alone would suffice for the occasion.
TT: That said, happy birthday, John.
EB: haha, oh jeez, that is silly!
EB: anyway, thanks!

Yes, Rose, that is silly… but I find myself guilty of thinking that at as well, sometimes.

I’m not even going to bother quoting WV’s CAPS SPEAK nor really cover his random commands- such as picking up the towel.

John cannot do anything with the GRIST as of this moment! That is up to the Sburb player.

A… What?? But John IS A SBURB PLAYER! Don’t you mean SERVER Player?? Try to learn the Lingo please.

>I SEE. ==>?

Okay, actually that’s kind of adorab-

Rose deletes the PERFECTLY GENERIC OBJECTS. 6 units of BUILD GRIST are restored to your GRIST CACHE.

GREAT OBJECT GRINDING GRISTWIDGITS BURNING PERFECTLY GENERIC OBJECTS! It’s actually like the Grist Widgit, except for items crafted VIA alchemy instead of items you’ve captchalogued!

Rose expends the GRIST to drag a new plank from the balcony in the direction of the PDA.




…Wow, WV is kind of abrasive after being Exiled, isn’t he? I blame the lack of anything to eat. We’re all a little cranky when we’re hungry.

You grab the PDA, launching one of the HARLEQUIN FIGURINES into the night.

You can kiss that one goodbye.



Just one ==> command will suffice. Thanks.

Is it strange that I said I wasn’t going to focus on WV’s antics and yet here I am focusing on his antics??

TT: John, are you ok?
TT: You seem a bit tentative.
EB: i’m fine i guess.
EB: since i got here i feel compelled to do these weird things i don’t really want to do.
EB: by some kind of voice that i can’t really even hear. i don’t know, it is hard to explain.
TT: Perhaps the early symptoms of an anxiety disorder, like post-traumatic stress?
EB: yeah, maybe. who knows!
TT: Well, if you can pull yourself together, there are a few more things we should try.
TT: Like prototyping the Kernelsprite again, if possible.
TT: We should hurry. My laptop battery won’t last forever.
EB: Ok. I will go back inside.

The whole EXILE system seems odd, when you think about it.  Why send Prospitians and Dersites to talk to the players? They have the Sprite guides usually… once something sentient is prototyped anyways. And the Exile system is more of a… random talking thing? WV is really kind of screwing John up a bit by talking to him right now. And when we see Dave being talked to by AR later on….

It just doesn’t make total sense to me.


What? No! That sounds incredibly dangerous!

WHY WV, WHY!? What would possess you to direct John to DO THAT??? Does WV think it’s the same car from later maybe????

> ==>==>==>==>==>

Stop That!

Now you’re just being a pest.


Ignoring WV’s future problems for a moment… We move on from this back to Rose’s walkthrough where in she explains everything about the opening SBURB stuff. And from there, we transition back to ROSE!

Her forest backyard is on Meteor Fire.

Your LAPTOP BATTERY is alright for now, but it won’t be for long.

If the power in the house doesn’t come back on, you can think of one last resort: the small BACKUP GENERATOR stored behind the MAUSOLEUM.

Interesting this, I don’t think it’s much in the way of intentional foreshadowing, but the idea of a BACKUP is introduced, in a distant place far away from where Rose is currently. Retroactively, this could be DREAMSELF foreshadowing.

Rose and John try prototyping the clownsprite, but it’s done by accident. Compared to other prototypings, this seems like an almost excessive amount of work compared to later prototypings.

Rose then tries to remove the cruxtruder, but it costs 100 build grist to move! What a dick move, SBURB!

TG: wait wait
TG: armageddon’s gettin waged on us
TG: but im-a gettin armed and dangerous
TG: sending men in space for savin us
TG: see which playa’s more couragerous
TG: ben or bruce? dudes reach a truce
TG: put their blowchutes to use and up-suck it
TG: afflecks saclifice, i mean -crifice, would have to sufflice. aw fluck it
TG: bro be a stained-glass saint, up on a cross gettin hella christ-plagiarous
TG: bruce’s like offa that cruciflix, nuff a this fuckin savior-fuss
TG: restrained his ass per mclane-redux while buscemi remained derangerous
TG: when a plan gone astray pays off a wasted craterous
TG: ash tray caterin to layers of matt maconnaheys vague remainder-dust
TG: wait
TG: uh

Lost, Dave? I find it interesting that Dave’s usual ‘quirk’ of a lack of punctuation gets broken here in certain places, yet is kept in place in other parts of this rap.

TG: macconahey wasnt even in any of those meteor movies was he
TG: ill have to make a rap about
TG: i dont know
TG: morgan freeman or something
TG: being the president
TG: itll be called
TG: “obama made it so that no one gives a shit about black presidents in movies anymore”
TG: see youve got to fill me in on whats going on
TG: so i have something to rap about besides all your dumbshit movies

I think Dave’s quirk is “Punctuation is a tool to make my jokes obvious and can be ignored otherwise.”

TT: I’m lifting the car up to the balcony.
EB: whoa, ok.
TT: Once it is up, retrieve the game. Then I’ll put it back down on the driveway.
EB: but the door is locked!
TT: Then break a window.
EB: but it’s my dad’s car :(
TT: It’s just a window, and this is sort of an emergency.
TT: Otherwise I promise I’ll handle the car with velvet gloves.
EB: alright.

You’re going to have to break a lot of windows, John. A LOT OF WINDOWS.

>Rose: Pick up car.

…Upon mulling over cinematic tropes, this was a virtual certainty.


You’re inclined to agree, but hey, accidents happen.

For a Light Player whose medium is Knowledge/Luck, Rose seems heavily tilted towards the former rather than the latter right now, much to her detriment.

GG: im back!
EB: oh hi!
GG: i went to investigate the explosion i heard
EB: was it by any chance a meteor?
GG: yes!!!!!
GG: how did you know??
EB: oh man, it’s kind of a long story!
EB: anyway, are you ok? did it blow up your yard or start a fire or anything?
GG: no i am fine!
GG: it landed a pretty good ways from my house and i went to look at it
GG: and its pretty big!
GG: but bec doesnt want me to go near it
GG: so i came home
GG: he seems to think its dangerous!
EB: well gosh, he’s probably right!

…The sheer amount of misdirection in this small section alone.

GG: oh!!!! did you get my package yet? :O
EB: er…
EB: yeah, i was trying to get it, but rose dropped my car into a weird spooky bottomless pit and the package was in the car and im really sorry about that.
GG: oh no!
EB: wow, ok, i guess i should start at the beginning.
EB: see, a meteor blew up my neighborhood.
GG: thats terrible john! im so sorry!

Are you really sorry, Jade- Are You? SBURB players seem to have an overarching theme of not having strong ties to their home world by way of knowing people. Between just THESE FOUR kids alone, their only online contacts are THESE FOUR KIDS. You’d think at least JOHN, DAVE, and ROSE, by way of being part of modern day society, would have some friends from school that they’d maybe add to pesterchum??

Dave, I can see keeping a distance from people by way of where he lives… but Rose and John??? …Okay, on second thought, I can see it for Rose’s personality keeping people away. But for John…? Maybe it has something to do with the wall scrawls. I’d imagine any friends John brought over would be put off by the clown scrawls.

EB: but i’m ok! and my house is too, sort of.
EB: that game i was telling you about, sburb which i was playing with rose, sort of transported me somewhere at the last minute.
EB: but now i’m trapped here and it’s weird and dark and i can’t find my dad and i just lost the car and my copy of the game in the pit and i think i have to save the world from the apocalypse!!!
GG: well…..
GG: it sounds really crazy and kind of scary but…..
GG: it also sounds kind of exciting!
GG: i dont know john maybe this is your destiny
GG: if anyone can save the world i think it is probably you!
EB: wow, you think so?
GG: yes!
EB: well ok, BUT.
EB: it’s not even that simple!


EB: i was about to connect to rose to help transport her and save her from meteors and fire and stuff.
EB: but she lost battery power and i lost the game disc!
EB: so i think i have to get TG to use his copy to save her!
EB: but that jackass won’t shut up and stop rapping and stuff.
GG: hahaha
GG: he is so silly!
EB: yeah. anyway i should talk to him about it, so brb.

…Dave? Silly?? PFT. Yeah. Right!

TG: when the film crew zooms where the presidents at
TG: im like if that dudes black ill eat my hat
TG: turns out he is, so we’re all “damn, director’s got gumption”
TG: like we’ll all flip our shit he aint shining shoes or somethin
TG: its called freemancipation. if its not pres-election its god-ascension
TG: in bruce almighty. whoops, different bruce from the one i just mentioned

But maybe, have I considered… YEAH. THAT.

TG: cant explain to me why this aint condescension to think ill shit a brick
TG: not even he can convey the intention with his quickspun wit
TG: rather defray all this tension, sit on his lap while he whittles a splint
TG: and some guy eyes what he does and patronizes: i guess negrocity’s the mother of invention
EB: stop rapping for a second you horse’s ass!

Again with the Horses??

I’m only just starting to realize how… THOROUGH-BRED-LY… Hussie’s love affair with horses actually had affected Homestuck.

EB: i have something important to talk about.
TG: whats up
EB: rose is in trouble and she needs help. i was going to connect to her with sburb but i lost my copy!
TG: ok
EB: also she lost battery power. if she can get back up and running, she’ll need someone with the game to get her out of there before her house burns down.
EB: so i think you should use your copy of the game to help her!

I just love how, earlier, Dave was dissing SBURB much like GameBro did…. OH GOD I JUST HAD A HORRIFYING THOUGHT. WHAT IF DAVE’S BRO WORKS FOR GAME BRO MAGAZINE????

That… That would explain the freaking X2 BETA COMBO. >_<;

TG: my copy?
TG: thats going to be tough
EB: why?
TG: i lost it
TG: its a stupid story and id rather not talk about it
TG: shit be embarrassing yo
EB: i thought you said you had two?
TG: well yeah
TG: one is my brothers copy
EB: ok, well get his then!
TG: alright
TG: but hes not gonna be happy about that
EB: whatever.
EB: also you might want to read rose’s walkthrough to get up to speed on this.
TG: oh man
EB: what?
TG: nothing really
TG: look all im saying is the girl tends to lay it on kinda thick you know?

A stupid story you say??  Well, it can’t be any stupider than something jumping out of a sylladex like a frightened weasel.

…Rose’s LAPTOP is out of BATTERY POWER. There’s only one thing left to do. Time to make your way to that BACKUP GENERATOR.

>Rose: Equip grimoire to strife specibus.

That would be incredibly ill-advised!

BOOK-KIND? How does one fight with a book?

What were the readers thinking??

You put the book down.

…Thank you.

Rose then proceeds to equip needles as her strife specibus, then begins to read the freaking book.

…Yeah, most of these things are from Problem Sleuth.

Rose EXITS the observatory.

You wonder if this rain will ever let up. It’s driven since the month began, perhaps long enough to forget its purpose. It no longer even knows to assuage fire. Somewhere a zealous god threads these strings between the clouds and the earth, preparing for a symphony it fears impossible to play. And so it threads on, and on, delaying the raise of the conductor’s baton.

Rain that knows not how to put out fire. Rain that serves no purpose other than to stall the Symphony feared impossible to play… This is definitely foreshadowing for Act 7, specifically the part with the “Conductor’s Baton.”

How you hate this season.

“April is the cruelest month, breeding lilacs out of the dead land, mixing memory and desire, stirring dull roots with spring rain.” -American sports legend, Charles Barkley

….Uh. I’m quite sure Charles Barkley did not say that.

I’m assuming that much like other early Act stuff, Hussie was planning on showing the kids completing their quests. It seems odd that Rose would be the only one who would not do her quest, and yet… Rose was never a girl who played by the rules. Who’s to say her quest wasn’t NOT DOING THE QUEST?

Maybe everything else was just flare to make it seem that Rose was ‘subverting’ the norm?

Speaking of SUBVERSIONS- we are now DAVE STRIDER.

Your name is DAVE. It is an UNSEASONABLY WARM April day. Your BEDROOM WINDOW is open to let some air in, and your FAN is cranked. Arguably even more cranked would be your FLY BEATS, which brings us to your variety of INTERESTS. A cool dude like you is sure to have plenty. You have a penchant for spinning out UNBELIEVABLY ILL JAMS with your TURNTABLES AND MIXING GEAR. You like to rave about BANDS NO ONE’S EVER HEARD OF BUT YOU. You collect WEIRD DEAD THINGS PRESERVED IN VARIOUS WAYS. You are an AMATEUR PHOTOGRAPHER and operate your own MAKESHIFT DARKROOM. You maintain a number of IRONICALLY HUMOROUS BLOGS, WEBSITES, AND SOCIAL NETWORKING PROFILES. And if the inspiration strikes, you won’t hesitate to drop some PHAT RHYMES on a mofo and REPRESENT.

What will you do?

Besides quaff around in the past and only be vaguely sort of aware of the events happening in the future?

Dave lives in a Texas apartment during a heatwave that means he might as well be walking on the sun. His FAN is clearly running at max, but it probably isn’t doing much. Let me just say, not having Air Conditioning during Summer is… uh… Well, insufferable. BTW, I know Davepeta was likely last minute as far as everything else goes, but the fact that Dave has to live without his *AC* in this situation is just…

He would be so much Happier with some A.C. in his Life :33


>Dave: Get the damn beta and save your friend’s life!

This notion strikes you as nonsensical. You can’t imagine how a video game could save someone’s life, and in any case, you’re quite sure no one you know is in any danger.

Anyway, these are your copies of the beta you received in the mail recently. You’ve labeled them with your name in BOLD RED PRINT to distinguish them from your BRO’s copies, who labeled his in kind. Neither of you really gives a shit about this game or has any intention of playing it, but you’ll be damned if you’ll let that get in the way of your campaign of one-upmanship.

…Bolded for previous GameBro!BRO theory relevance..

You will however contemplate bleating like a goat for IRONICALLY HUMOROUS purposes at a later date.

…Dave Contemplated bleating like a goat, and eventually decides against it, I guess. But seriously, I know we expected him to do it but the chances were pretty low since the phrasing includes “Contemplate” regarding the action. Dave/Hussie likely decided against it… and so Dirk snatched up that choice piece of foreshadowing like a BOOOSssssss…..

…Moving right along.

>Dave: Examine closet.

This is your closet. This is where you keep a lot of your crap.

Like that BOX. And that bottle of… what is that?

Is that…?

Could it be…?

Dave puts off looking for a few moments to reflect on the box his swanky Stiller shades came in. He captchalogues it for some reason. Also, we’re still on “captchalogue” spelling. I wonder when/if it’ll change, or if I’m missremembering the spelling in general??

Oh hell yes. It is an unopened container of APPLE JUICE. You thought you were all out. It is like fucking christmas up in here.

This is so great. You’ve got to tell John about this immediately. He’ll be so excited.

Oh Dave. You either love Apple Juice UNIRONICALLY, or you’re really pressed for things you can drink.


In addition to letting your buddy know about this outstanding juice windfall, you figure you’ll wish him a happy birthday while you’re at it. In your own cool, sort of roundabout way of course. Good thing you looked at that box he sent you, or you might have forgotten.

You also might as well ask him about that beta. The kid’s been harping about it for weeks. It would be cool if it came on his birthday. He’d be one happy camper.

Dave has such a kind heart, deep down beneath that icy cool kid exterior. I wonder how different Homestuck would be if Nepeta and Dave swapped places for the entire comic? Or what about an A.U. where they’re eachother’s dream selves? That’d be interesting. Dave sleeps during the night, Nepeta wakes Up; Nepeta sleeps during the day, Dave wakes Up.

But this is a reread, not a rewrite.

TG: hey so what sort of insane loot did you rake in today

We’ve read this already.

You open the HEPHAESTUS web browser and direct it to your ironically maintained blog where you post monthly satirical reviews of GAMEBRO MAGAZINE. Your latest post is a review of the MARCH ISSUE.

…This isn;t even a legit link to a blog. It’s just a link to the cover art. Did this used to go to the Blogspot or was it ALWAYS the cover art?

You’ve been meaning to write a review for the latest issue too, but you’ve been sort of dogging it. Something about the game they’re reviewing just doesn’t strike you as ripe for satirical purposes.

…No Comment.

In a new tab you open another one of your sites, a webcomic ironically maintained through a satirical cipher vaguely similar to that of your blog. It’s called SWEET BRO AND HELLA JEFF.

You have legions of devoted fans, most of whom are totally convinced of your creative persona’s sincerity. Which is just how you like it.

…Oh God, do I dare delve into the depths of SWEET BRO AND HELLA JEFF???

…Okay, yeah, let’s do this THING.



…in the next post. :P


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