LET’S RE_READ HOMESTEAK4

>Resume Reading.

You resume reading at the page of clownsprite’s birth.



EB: i still can’t understand this thing’s gobbledygook.
TT: That was only “Tier One Prototyping”.
TT: There is still another tier to the prototyping process.
TT: Which for all we know merely advances this entity through increasingly esoteric states of linguistics.
EB: the clock is ticking.
EB: we don’t have time for this asinine tomfoolery.
TT: This unmitigated poppycock?
EB: extravagant hogwash!
EB: ok stop
EB: stop typing whatever silly thing you’re typing.
EB: i’m going upstairs to the big platformy thing.
TT: The alchemiter?
EB: ??
TT: Try to learn the lingo.

4DORK4BL3 N3RDS. :33

>TT: Explore Atheneum.

>John: Captchalogue telescope.

Predictable.

What’s not predictable is that the Alchemiter seems to actually be AUTOMA-

Wow. Really?? Debunked in a single page.

You set the ALCHEMITER to cast THREE (3) PERFECTLY GENERIC OBJECTS for some reason, expending a total of 6 units of BUILD GRIST.

These things look completely useless. What a waste!

Out of the corner of your eye, you notice there’s something in the sky.

…REALLY??? HOW DOES THIS WORK??? The hand setting the numbers is a MOUSE CURSOR- like what we saw from Rose’s viewport, but this is in JOHN’S POV??? Did Hussie completely forget about it not having controls?? Is the Mouse Cursor here just an abstraction like the left-over hand cursor from the Homestuck Beta Cake Moving for John’s perceived lack of arms???

SERIOUSLY. WHAT. I DON’T… There are no controls and yet you do THIS????

HOW JOHN. HOW. WHY. WHY MUST YOU CONSTANTLY BREAK THE FOURTH WALL AND THE NARRATIVE STRUCTURE LIKE THIS? I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW YOU CAN CONSTANTLY DO THESE THINGS, LIKE, IT IS SO INFURIATING ON SO MANY LEVELS THAT I JUST LITERALLY CANNOT UNDERSTAND HOW YOU’VE GONE FROM NOT HAVING CONTROLS TO BEING ABLE TO SET A *NUMBER* OF PERFECTLY GENERIC OBJECTS. AND DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE THING YOU’RE SEEING IN THE SKY RIGHT NOW. WE ARE TOTALLY IGNORING THE METEOR FOR THE MOMENT JUST TO FOCUS COMPLETELY ON THIS TOTAL DISREGARD FOR THE RULES OF THE NARRATIVE STRUCTURE, JOHN. MAYBE THIS IS WHY EVERYONE INCLUDING MYSELF THOUGHT THIS WAS ROSE SETTING THE ALCHEMITER TO DO IT BEFORE BUT— IT’S NOT???? JUST. WHAT. EXPLAIN TO ME HOW THIS IS A THING, JOHN. EXPLAIN! EXPLAIN! EX-PLAAAIIIINNNN!!!

>Calum: Disengage Dalek!Karkat mode.

You disengage the dalek cap locks and continue to read the comic.

>==>

Ah…

You’re no astronomer, but its trajectory looks suspiciously head-on with your current perspective.

This is a troubling development.



>John: High-five Kernelsprite.

You figure you’ve left him hanging long enough.

!!!!

HOW IS A HANDSHAKE ENOUGH TO PROTOTYPE AND YET THIS IS NOT????
HOW IS A FREAKING HANDSHAKE MORE PHYSICAL CONTACT THAN A HIGH FIVE???
HOW IS–

>John: Attempt to ingest a unit of build grist.

It is tempting because they strongly resemble Rockin’ Blue Raspberry Gushers. However, units of BUILD GRIST are a gaming abstraction and do not seem to exist on the physical plane!

…!

There is apparently no crisis so imminent that will deter you from contemplating idiotic and frivolous actions.

>TT: Revise bathroom.

There is apparently no crisis so imminent that will deter you from contemplating idiotic and frivolous actions!!

Rose this is not the time!

>==>

I guess the door opens inwards?

Also, I can only imagine what John’s Dad is thinking. “John? Did the cake not agree with you? …You’re finally becoming strong enough to wreck the house hold. I am SO PROUD.”

Okay maybe not that exactly.

TT: I’m working on the bathroom.
TT: But we are running low on Build Grist.
EB: oh man who cares about the bathroom, now there’s a meteor heading for my house!!!

YES! Set her priorities straight!

TT: I see.
TT: Do you suppose it has anything to do with the game?
EB: i don’t know, maybe! what do i do!
TT: I think it’s very likely.
TT: The walkthroughs vaguely suggest an impending threat before they end.
TT: The already poorly constructed sentences become even more curt and ambiguous.
TT: As if written hastily and with a sense of alarm.
TT: Actually, their dedication to updating the walkthrough under such circumstances is admirable.
EB: wow, FASCINATING.
EB: ??????

I agree with John, FASCINATING. ??????

TT: If the meteor is a game construct, I think the only thing to do is to proceed, and try to solve the dilemma on the game’s terms.
TT: Try using the lathe.
TT: It says you can use the card on it, but isn’t more specific than that.
EB: ok i’ll do that.
TT: Really, it is a labor to read this drivel.
TT: If I read any more my brain will need to be spoon-fed from a jar.
TT: While it blows spit bubbles in a highchair.
TT: I think I will write my own walkthrough.
TT: That is, after we make sure you don’t die.

Priorities, Rose! Those are still a thing!

TG: theyre always throwing around these geographical comparisons to give us a sense of scale like it really means anything to us
TG: but its like it doesnt matter its always just like: WOW THATS PRETTY FUCKING BIG
TG: like mr president theres a meteor coming sir. oh yeah, how big is it? its the size of texas sir
TG: OH SHIT
TG: or, how big is it? its the size of new york city sir
TG: OH SHIT
TG: sir im afraid the comet is the size of your moms dick
TG: OH SNAP
TG: sir are you familiar with jupiter
TG: you mean like the planet?
TG: yeah
TG: well its that big sir
TG: hmm that sounds pretty big
TG: i have a question
TG: is it jupiter?
TG: yes sir, earth is literally under seige by planet fucking jupiter
TG: OH SHIT
TG: anyway later

I once auditioned for a homestuck anime voice acting project with this particular rant. One of these days I need to go through Homestuck and voice-act a bunch of the more fun monologues. This one in particular was quite fun, but I’ve gotten better at voice acting since that first attempt. I’d like to see how much better I’ve gotten.

One day. ONE DAY….

Anyways, personal shit aside, TL;DR: BEST ACT 1 DAVE RANT IN A NUTSHELL.

John DOES A THING, then DOES ANOTHER THIN….

I can only imagine his Dad is thinking “The Bath Tub Too, John?”

The perfect crime.

Nobody will notice… Except for maybe the people with eyes. Which means in this comic… Doc Scratch and maybe Terezi??

Breaking News, Thirteen Year Old Girl Fools First Guardian Cueball Headed Prick With Bathroom Redecoration Prank!

You retrieved the CRUXITE DOWEL.

DAD just shrugs and heads back downstairs, presumably to do some more baking.

If only he knew you were hard at work saving his ass.

…Sniff. Sniff.

Nope, I’m not going to cry. I’m NOT. GOING. To CRY.

EB: alright, i used the lathe to make this blue shapey thing.
EB: now i guess i take it back to the alchemixer again?
EB: hello???????
— tentacleTherapist is no longer connected! --
EB: uh…


Sixty Nine Red Shelled Crabs in a Sea Fisherman’s Hat! Who could possibly have seen this coming??

We are now…

A young lady stands in her bedroom. Due to a violent storm, her house has just lost power, along with her wireless internet connection. This has severed her link to a popular video game she was playing with a young man at a critical moment. That young man is relying on this young lady to reestablish a connection somehow. This young lady named…

Named…

It’s on the tip of your tongue. What was the name of this young lady again?

Rose Lalonde.

Your name is ROSE. As was previously mentioned you are without ELECTRICITY, although your LAPTOP COMPUTER still functions on BATTERY POWER. You have a variety of INTERESTS. You have a passion for RATHER OBSCURE LITERATURE. You enjoy creative writing and are SOMEWHAT SECRETIVE ABOUT IT. You have a fondness for the BESTIALLY STRANGE AND FICTITIOUS, and sometimes dabble in PSYCHOANALYSIS. You also like to KNIT, and your room is a BIT OF A MESS. And on occasion, if just the right one strikes your fancy, you like to play VIDEO GAMES with your friends.

What will you do?

Besides waste precious time??

>Rose: Retrieve arms from the purple box.

What.

>Rose: Writhe like a flagellum and puke on your bed.

Did.

>Rose: Stroke writing journal and mutter, ‘My precious…’

I.

>{S}Rose: Play a haunting refrain on the violin.

Say?

You waste approximately 40 seconds playing the violin while your friend is in peril.

Nice time management skills there, sweetheart!

>
John: Tell Liv Tyler you love her before impact.

Obviously a good use of the time you have left, John.

I mean, you’re stuck, in your room, in a sense that edges vaguely on the titular… ah, yes…

TUBSTUCK.

Rose, meanwhile, continues to waste time with FORESHADOWING.

I don’t need to cover all the sylladex shenanigans. For they are crunchy and taste good with kethcuph… kutchup… ketchum. Fish Chum. Chum Chum FISH Ba Chum Chum FISH.

>Rose: Go explore the house.

Explore? but she LIVES HERE.

You leave your BEDROOM.

Hanging just next to your door in the hallway is a painting of an EXQUISITE WIZARD.

…Knowing what we know about Roxy, this is a VERY EXQUISITE WIZARD.

Your mother collects these awful things IRONICALLY. She must know how much you detest them, and there is no doubt in your mind she stores these dreadful things in the house to bother you.

ROSE. ROSEY. NUUUU. NO. No. NOPE. It is 100% TOTES HONEST.

Down the hall to the right is the way to the OBSERVATORY. Perhaps you will be able to connect from up there?

Your mother’s room is also in that direction. You will have to watch your step.

Why do they even HAVE an Observatory anyways? I mean, I guess GrandpaJake wanted Mom~Roxy to be aware of the meteors when they started coming?

Moar JPG WIZARS

.

Rose makes her way to the observatory, past VOIDMOM and then–

>Rose: Go through door.

…Oh No NOT AGAIN

The door opens to an exterior walkway, leading to the observatory entrance.

You’ve seen less inclement weather before. Oh the things you’ll do to help out a friend.

…Rose makes it into the observatory without falling into any further Act7 foreshadowing, so I guess this is a subversion… Although, this is by my count the SECOND Ret-arm to appear, with the first being on the “Wind Skims the Void” flash.

Rose then takes a moment to look through the observatory.

You’re in a hurry, sure, but that doesn’t mean you can’t take moment to peek through the HUGE TELESCOPE.

You find a gap in the clouds. It seems a flurry of smaller METEOROIDS is streaking steadily overhead. You’re not sure what this means, but it is somewhat disconcerting.

… Disconcerting indeed.

Rose returns with 40 seconds to spare.

…What.  HOw did she even… With all the time she wasted in her room???

TT: I’m back.
EB: hurry up and open my door!!!!!!
EB: not that it even matters, i think i’m probably dead no matter what!!!!!!
TT: Patience. You still haven’t used the new totem.
EB: ???
TT: I believe it will create the item on the punch card.
EB: so what is it, like an apple or something?
EB: what good will that even do?
TT: We’ll see.
TT: I’ve found no evidence that anyone has successfully created the item.
TT: And the content of the card appears to be variable from session to session.
TT: In one instance it was described as an “eggy loking thign” [sic].
EB: do we have enough of those building jewels to make it?
TT: According to the Atheneum, it is a free item.
TT: This speaks to its importance, in my view.
TT: Now off you go.

…And even more time is wasted CHATTING. Paradox Space sure is forgiving here for some reason. Longest 40 seconds in existence.

>Rose: Put bathtub back.

You probably should have just done this in the first place.

…Yes, Rose. Priorities, Please. Why didn’t you just put the toilet back when there was a NICE CONVENIENT HOLE in the floor for it???

Now then clear the alchemiter an—

You store the PERFECTLY GENERIC OBJECTS in your PHERNALIA REGISTRY, potentially to be deployed at a later time.

HOW IS THIS A THING??? Did the game just… Captchalogue the cubes??

…whatever, John makes the tree and…

>{S}John: Take bite of apple.

…30 seconds??

ALL OF THE ABOVE HAPPENED IN 10 FREAKING SECONDS???

(Also, hi future John!)

>END OF ACT 1

>Years in the future, but not many…

I spy with my little eye a glowy blue dot in the distant horizon.

A WAYWARD VAGABOND records a stuttering step in the sun-bleached dust.

Hello, WV!

>Calum: Give Overall Thoughts.

Right then, That’s Act 1 done and finished… Only 6 more to go!

Act 1 is… interesting to say the least. Scattered in between the insane reader commands that predictably wasted much time, the seeds of a story began to take root. Two kids have thusfar taken their first steps into a greater world… and knowing what’s coming, some of the finer, more subtle details of Andrew Hussie’s story have begun to emerge than appear at first glance.

Or Second… or Third… or even Fourth.

Bah! Whatever! Onto Act 2! …Later. In the next post… whenever that will be.

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