>Calum: Resume Reread

You resume rereading after struggling through a massive headache of a day and finding a good half of the next day consumed by stuff that was recorded the night before…

>FYI, this is what the page.

This is our first official glimpse of SBURB. I think generally the phrase “WTF is this?” applies.

I find it amusing that in the top left hand corner there are: A. A “SAVE” BUTTON. B. AN “OPEN” BUTTON. And C. AN “EXIT” BUTTON. Unfortunately, these are just like Sword Art Online’s opening Tutorial: The LOG OUT RUSE was a DISTACTION.

SBAHJ and crude Anime references aside, the long and short of it is that the Illusion that this is just an ordinary Game is just that… an ILLUSION.

Rose’s first act as John’s server is to get rid of that magic chest, revealing the missing fetch modus card… Really, John? How did you get that under there? Are there hidden feet on the chest that I can’t see that gives it a hidden gap between the bottom of the chest and the floor? Or was the chest just sort of squashing the modus card into the rug the entire time??

While still somehow holding the magic chest, Rose proceeds to ZOOM OUT. There is no sign of the chest in existence AT ALL at this moment. The Chest has Literally become an INTANGIBLE THING that temporarily does not exist despite it being a thing that SHOULD. She literally picks up the chest, zooms out (it disappears during this stage), and then drops it on the roof.

EB: whoa, what are you doing??
TT: Sorry. I’m just getting a feel for the controls.
EB: is my magic chest on the roof now??
TT: Yes.
EB: :(
TT: I will try to be more careful next time.

SO YEAH. That was a thing. Probably the chest is just ‘held’ by the game while Rose mouses over the camera interface, but still… It doesn’t appear at all during that time. I’m assuming there’s some weird interface hitbox magic going on, where rose has the box, mouses over the zoom interface, and the ‘deploy’ cursor changes to a regular mouse hand… But still, it’s a funky little incident.

You find your missing STACK FETCH MODUS, and quickly reapply it to your SYLLADEX. You can now opt for either the STACK or QUEUE modus any time.

You toggle between your FETCH MODI with gleeful abandon.

FYI, this was what the refrance to my earlier pesterchum toggling joke.

John’s Dad leaves for the store, and John remembers all the stuff that his sylladex chucked into the street. He asks Rose to help, but…

TT: No luck.
TT: It appears to be out of range. I’m guessing it is too far away from you, the “player”.

Interesting, that while the player is in the house, the game interface is LIMITED to a degree by where the player stands in it.

What does Rose try?

>TT: Select John.

You cannot select a PLAYER!

JOHN abjures the meddlesome cursor.

The Cursor, despite being a thing that only Rose should be able to see, somehow is something that John can interact with?? Also, something something house shaped jujus this is what the metaphor.

At the whims of the Readers, Rose then puts the Bunny back in the Box, then Adds an Extra Square to John’s Room so she can put down some hunk of junk. Presumably, this, too, was at the reader’s discretion, given the slow pan over the names. The chosen item is the TOTEM LATHE, and while John doesn’t ‘know what the heck this thing does,’ it sure ‘looks neat!’

We then find out how the SBURB system works about Build Grist and the two disk setup being a thing, but I just came to the realization of WHY Sburb has two disks! Server and Client- Server lets a player revise the house of another player, but only after it’s connected to the Client. WHY? Well, because Balance, for one, but primarily it’s because the MOVE, REVISE, DEPLOY cursors have PHYSICAL interactions with the world, and are Visible to the Client Player! (At least, if I’m correctly remembering the scene where Jade sees John deploying things.) The Client Program has to interact with the Client Player’s House enough to let the Server mess with things… but at the same time that House Cursor has to appear from SOMEWHERE! What’s generating it? What’s letting the energy from the Server player’s actions actually affect the Client Player’s house???

It’s gotta be the Client PROGRAM! There’s no other way around it, you’ll have to decapitate me It’s gotta be something special with the Client Disk changing the house’s environment somehow. That’s got to be why there’s a physical range limit centered around the PLAYER!


TT: Now that your room is bigger, why don’t you move to the far corner?
TT: It will extend the range of the cursor, and I can reach the items.

This is a brilliant idea on Rose’s part.

TT: Which… you threw out the window for some reason?
EB: good idea!
TT: What have you been doing in here all afternoon, anyway?
EB: ugh, i was fussing with my retarded sylladex.
EB: but i think i have it under control now.
EB: what modus do you use?
TT: I like to use trees.
EB: oh no, that sounds so awkward.
TT: It’s not exceptionally practical.
TT: But I think they are elegant.

Rose, sometimes you don’t need to be “elegant” to be a functional member of society. Anyways, she brings up the stuff that jumped out of John’s Sylladex and then deploys >TWO MORE >HUGE GiZMOS.

…Wait, Rose…. Seriously did you JUST stuff the WHOLE Cruxtruder into the DOOR FRAME??? Do you even know how big that Cruxtruder even IS??? HOW BIG IS THAT DOOR EVEN??? How big is the DOOR FRAME itself? It’s EXACTLY wide enough for the Cruxtruder to fit in! *WHY* is this door frame extension even a thing???

Okay, I’ve got to math this out… Perspective wise, the two seat sofa is the same width as the Cruxtruder in the page where it’s dropped. Comparing my IRL front door size to a two seat sofa we have, the size is actually the same as well! I asked around and that size comparison seems to be a thing. So the Cruxtruder being exactly as wide around as the front door frame seems to be a thing that is size applicable! …But going BACK to the page where John exits the front door itself is NARROWER than the door frame?? It’s like a door inside a door? I don’t get it, why is John’s house built like this?

Was the house John’s house was based off of designed like this IRL? If so, why??

Anyways, skipping ahead a few pages because I’ve wasted a lot of time on this nonsense… John takes the PDA and puts Pesterchum on it and heads outside to deal with the giant gizmos Rose has dropped.

EB: hey, i’m out on the balcony now.
EB: i am messaging from my dad’s pda.
TT: The one you threw into the yard?
EB: no, i am telling you.
EB: it jumped out of my sylladex like a frightened weasel.

Can I just say? I love this line. I’ve practically adapted the phrase ‘jumped like a frightened weasel’ into my every day vernacular, whenever I need a metaphor for something jumping violently.

TT: What were you doing with it in the first place?
TT: I am not sensing a lot of regard for the personal property of others.
TT: Is this how your pent-up frustration with your father manifests itself?
EB: what? no.
EB: those were all accidents.
EB: please take your psycho-babblery elsewhere, miss!
TT: Your bathroom is a mess.
TT: Did you do that too?
EB: oh man, see this isn’t cool.
EB: all this snooping nonsense!
TT: There’s a cake in the toilet.
EB: yes. there is.

…No Comment, Rose, No comment.

TT: I’m tempted to clean it up for you.
EB: ok, if that will satisfy your weird ocd complex then go ahead.
TT: My Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder complex?
TT: Can a disorder also be a complex?
EB: in your case, probably!
TT: Sounds complicated.

It does indeed sound complicated. But really this is an interesting question. Can a disorder also be a complex?? I’m not sure I’d take John as the definitive authority on the subject. But anyways, Rose wanting to clean up for John perfectly matches with Kanaya cleaning up for Vriska- both of whom (John/Vriska) are messy mess making people who talk in blue. That’s an adorable metaphor of sorts. Kanaya and Rose are similar in so many ways yet so different as well, as are the people they interact with.

Homestuck really is a story about contrasting the different people who are playing the same game.

>John: Examine Alchemiter in a cautious manner.

John? Cautious???

You have no idea what to do with this thing. You can’t find any controls for it.

Having exhausted all other possibilities, you just decide to stand on it.

This isn’t very cautious of you, actually.

…John just stands on the big platform thingy. Later, he will shove his arm through a glowy window thingy.

Wait… It DOESN’T HAVE ANY CONTROLS??? the whole thing is automated?? Or is it just the server player’s control? I’m assuming, that once Dave/Jade do their upgrade session, there are SOME form of external controls… but then again those are probably directly for the upgrades??

How the bloody hell does the Alchimeter WORK????

…Moving along…

John looks at the sun through a telescope (This doesn’t strike me as very safe either.) and Rose wrecks John’s bathroom.

Why is this so gosh darned messy? Also, WHY is this a thing that KEEPS HAPPENING? Why do Girls ALWAYS pull out the fixtures from their Client’s bathrooms? It’s not just to guy Client Players either, see Kanaya threatening to upend Vriska’s ‘load grapper’ over her head.

…is it just Skaia’s tricksy ways of forcing the (Any Gender) Clients to use the Girl Servers bathrooms?? Is Skaia shipping players by means of wrecking bathrooms???


…Rose, that radius does not nearly extend far enough away to count as hiding the evidence.

>John: Get sledgehammer and card.

I continue to skip some pages that nothing really sticks out to me about. I am too busy worrying about if Skaia is going to ship me with my Sburb Server if they just so happen to wreck my bathroom.

— gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:25 —

GG: john did you get my package??
EB: oh hey!
EB: no, not yet.
GG: darn! are you sure? it was in a green box…..
EB: oh!
EB: yes, but it is in my dad’s car and he is still out at the store.
EB: he should be back soon.
GG: great!!! so what are you up to today?
EB: i am up to my neck in this sburb stuff.
EB: TT is making a royal mess of my house.
GG: lol!
GG: whats sburb??
EB: oh, it is this game.

…Understatement of the CENTURY, John.

EB: it’s ok i guess. i’m still figuring it out.
GG: whoa what was that?????
EB: what was what?
GG: there was a loud noise outside my house!!
GG: it sounded like an explosion!!!!
EB: wow, really?
GG: i will go outside and look….
EB: oh man, alright but be careful, ok?
GG: i will! :)

— gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:28 —


>John: Might as well check out the Cruxtruder.

How is this even a command?

EB: oh hell no, you put this thing in front of the door?
TT: There’s a door there?
EB: um, YEAH???
TT: I didn’t see it.
TT: I just thought it fit nicely into that groove.
EB: you mean you thought it was elegant?

Seriously, what is WITH these weirdly sized objects fitting into convenient grooves?

EB: ok well what do i do with this thing.
EB: hello?
EB: what are you doing up there now?

Rose. No. I know what you’re doing and leave that Poor bath-


–Tub… alone… Damn it, Rose.

What was even the POINT of this, ROSE? How were you going to fix the toilet by destroying the TUB???

Were you trying to click and grab the floor to ‘flush’ it out??? ….oh ffs the puns.

Well, Rose???


>John: Scold TT.

EB: you can see me, right.
EB: tell me what is wrong with this picture.
TT: Sorry. I keep losing the wireless signal.
TT: Must be the weather.
TT: I would look for a stronger signal in another part of the house, but I’d rather not risk an encounter with my mother.
TT: I battled through her cloud of gin and derision once already this evening.
EB: haha, yeah I hear you.
TT: Yes. Cake, jesters, unfaltering love and support.
TT: Quite a road to hoe there.
TT: Though I suppose I’m complicit for not informing Social Services about your situation.
EB: i know!

You should be informing Social Services about DAVE’S situation, Rose! No love for the Ecto-sibling??

EB: what about going outside?
EB: maybe you could catch a neighbor’s signal.
TT: That presents the same problem.
TT: Also, it’s raining, remember?
TT: And dark.
EB: It’s dark already?
TT: Yes, the sun has already had its way with us here on the east coast.
TT: Its lurid glare has moved on to younger timezones.
EB: haha, um, ok.

Yes, timezones. The lurid enemy we all must face. Also, I’m tempted to say there’s a bit of an Lord English metaphor in here somewhere… Too lazy/hungry r/n to dig it up.

>Rose and John: Team Work!

,,,introducing the NEW FREIND… SEIZURCORNALL 8^y

EB: what is this thing?
EB: and what is that clock counting down to?
TT: I’ve been looking at the GameFAQ walkthroughs to figure some of this stuff out.
TT: Hold while I read further.
EB: ok.
TT: All of these walkthroughs are extremely short.
TT: None progress much further than this point.
EB: weird.
EB: well, i mean it is a new game.
TT: True.
TT: Now that the lid is off, you will need to extrude some “Cruxite”.

…I think the foreshadowing at this point is laying itself on quite thick… Sweet Dodge, Btw.

TT: I feel like we should be hurrying. That countdown is making me nervous.
TT: John?
TT: Oh. Your PDA is trapped under the cruxite now, isn’t it.
TT: Anyway, it looks like you are going to need this card too.

Cue Incoming Glass Shower in 3…



The additional useless freight pushes your PDA to the last card. You then switch to the QUEUE MODUS so you can access the PDA.

More glass shrapnel flies from the deck.

Upon mulling over cinematic tropes, this was a virtually 100% certain outcome.

EB: this thing keeps following me around.
EB: i think it’s trying to talk to me or something.
TT: That is probably the “Kernelsprite”.
TT: It apparently needs to be “prototyped”.
TT: Twice, actually.
TT: Whatever the hell that means.
TT: These walkthroughs are horrendously written.
EB: hmm, ok.
EB: well, you are the one with the cursor so just do whatever you think is the right thing to do!
EB: also, fix my bathroom.

>TT: Drop maimed harlequin into Kernelsprite.

I’ll spare you the [S]IESUREKERNEL, and instead go to eat dinner.


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